December 28, 2009
December 23, 2009
December 22, 2009
I had a dream of you last night.
Funny, night. How it does that.
Only in darkness do I find my vices so forceful.
Creeping in on me, constantly, like flickers of light
On cold lamp lit streets in desolate hours.
Paralyzed, I lie still.
Movement might bring ripples, I don't risk it.
Still in my silence induced snow.
So austere, memories, in matters of treatment.
There is nothing more oppressive than recollection.
But decadence comes with time.
I'm not sure what to make of it all.
All of these things occupying space in my mind.
Certainly not what to say.
Words. How I fear words sometimes.
So I hold my tongue.
Grace is distant. And I look for the correlation.
But I can not connect things.
It's all a blur, like dreams so often are.
At least they're consistent. Or perhaps just discordant.
How strange dreams bring things,
Only in the depths of consciousness
And darkness and sleep.
The dream ends. My eyes open.
I get up. Life goes on.
December 13, 2009
November 23, 2009
This atmosphere consumes
like seas of insecurities
Salty waves crash
on my shoulders, encompassing
my body and dragging me under
With every feeling and leaving me
to grasp for breath
Amidst the pain of currents and swells
Till I’m past the tide
and simply floating
Left with nothing
but hallow remnants
I look to the sky
as the night glides over
The fleeting sun with its
blankets of darkness
Dots in a canvas
of vast existence
I search to fathom
soul saving reasons
but among hesitations of
constellations stands empty space
And I am helpless
to even see the moon
Struggling with its absence
Till a blinding beacon
cast and I am forced to close my eyes
I wake to the sound of
A thousand voices
and lying on the surface
Of a ship moving
through absolute perils
of swaying waters
Calmly riding, with surrender,
the path of the sailors
Merciless to concern my mind
with any thoughts of
destination Then immanently
we reach some land
and I am forced to interaction
Digging my feet into
the sand I enter into
a new state of mind
Boundless products of
drawn out time engaging
contradictions of self
Acceptance I can see
a beautiful sight
As I walk with balance
through the beach
Liberation of previous
a surface of possibilities
Where I stand infinite.
November 22, 2009
We move in slow motion,
as I watch your hand grace
across my leg to reach for mine.
The walls fall down,
we embrace every movement,
every sensation as we ignore
the impeding certainty of time.
Trembling your lips sway,
just barely brushing the skin of my neck.
And every tension unbearable of decadence
is produced with restraint,
while each touch lingers.
But eyes reveal intentions,
and such implications are defenseless.
The smell of night fills the air,
radiates this limitless yearning.
Your eye lashes quiver stolid to the
rhythms of music like a piano.
Every breath is seen in some solitude of sound.
Powerless, we embrace the nature
stealing our will with impetuous notions.
Falling prey to gravity, our emotions give rise.
And hearts increase in beat, as lips collide.
November 13, 2009
Well, i have received some good news, that i am both extremely excited and extremely scared about. Change is good though, i think it is, i hope it is. Its a strange thing though. And it holds it's own little overwhelming ambiguities.
Some piece of me is so ready to get out of here, I'm ready for so many reasons, for something new. And so many of my ambitions tell me its the right move, and i like to believe that i live for my ambitions. That to some degree my actions are propelled by dreams, and that if i follow through, i will be successful in all that i desire. Yet, I'm full of unparalleled insecurities. Because with so many possibilities for success comes so many possibilities of failure. And I'm far from pessimistic, but i must consult some force of reason time to time. I hate it though, consulting fear.
Security is making me safe, predictable. I fear the epitome of life becoming dissatisfied by routine. So many times, i look at people in my world, and watch them slowly grow sadder and sadder with their disappointments; lethargic with all of their day to days. And i promise that i will never let that happen. So many times moments in which something new enters us, moments like those are to often unnoticed to become consequential. Mostly because we are so quick to reject them, sometimes i don't think we even realize that we do so. So despite my fear for change, in all it
s definitions, it is the hardest goal to set. I have to believe that i am doing something good. Believe in the depth of it all that its right. In any case, even if i am wrong, the belief has a funny little way of overshadowing reality.
-So I guess that it is the cool thing to sign with our initials, it works.
-BMW; You know what i have come to realize, everyone is so afraid of being cliche, but you know what if something is used enough to become cliche in the first place, well then it must to some extent be right. Lol. But anyway. I do that too, to escape the mind, well not play b-ball, i go running though, or something physical. They say endorphins work as "natural pain relievers". I agree. And yes, all comments are loved. I love input, thoughts, whatev you feel like saying really. :)
-BAM; I'm glad you share my 'obsession', i so get what you mean too. I find my self doing that all of the time to. Sometimes i will be with someone, and i can not help but wonder how we became friends to begin with. (o- and of course, sometimes im thinking, my god we were meant to be friends, lol). But its strange. I think it goes back to the discussion of how people just change.
But i really like your "type" you describe, because it couldn't have been said better. I have friends who i absolutely adore, and i love being with even if we do nothing. I love their thirst for life, all of their passions, and fuels. I guess you can say it makes them beautiful. And it just makes me happy to be around them. And then there are those that just do not have that same love for it all, or maybe they just lost it somewhere along the way, who knows. I think on some level we think that we can help them find it again, sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. It's so hard to describe what "it" is, but i know what you mean, i really do.
-Stay Beautiful - jess
November 7, 2009
I think I have a minor obsession, with people. Not all of them. Or really anyone in particular. Well maybe some. I am obsessed with the complex mind. I have become more and more drawn to people who can give me interesting thoughts, and innovation, and I love it. Wait does this mean I am growing up? Or am I just a dork who over think things?
I mean, its kinda cliche but I have been told on countless occasions that I tend to over-think things, that I tend to over-think life. That I just think to much, analyze to much, worry to much, try to hard to figure everything out. And by some degree I am sure this to be true. But what an ambiguous assumption. Can life be over-thought? And at what point is over-thinking measured? In any case, this is where my obsession falls into play. I HATE it when you try to have a conversation with someone, a deep conversation, or a serious conversation and they completely disappoint you by their degrees of apathy. But in opposition, I love it when I find someone who doesn't give me that tilt-of-the-head, trying to hid confusion or laughter look, but someone who listens to what your saying, and responds and completely surprises you with their words. And sometimes just listening to, even if they have no advice to offer, but the listen, with out the ?-look that really just means shut up. Oh and I love it when I fall into those people unintentionally, like when I make a comment and am greeted by some words I was never expecting.
I think these people are important. And beautiful. I have a little list of them in my head, and they are always the first ones to thought when I have something on the back burner in my head or something I just have to let out.
Really random topic- i no.
November 1, 2009
Up to another
One of those foggy
Day mornings. - It's been
Raining, but I'm not complaining,
I don't mind. - Condensation covers my
Windows - as we get in the car, you and I,and
we drive. - We miss our exist but thats just fine.
Into the grey horizon with bright headlights. Impeding
Realities slip into dreams -- I notice you still have your
Slippers on, I giggle though cause im wearing no shoes
At all. and this is right where I wanna be. with your brown
Eyes matching my coffee. Content to just drink it up. I love
The fingers holding my hand. And my mind drifts away to
Quiet reverie. -- This of course was not our plan for the
Day, but somehow it results in an empty gas tank.
As the clouds again begin to spill, and raindrops
Dance back and forth on the window. I woke
up to foggy skies, but just the same
--I think I like their kind--
So being the first of the month and all, I feel slightly compelled to indulge in ambition, and set my self some goals. So
Goals for November:
1. Save some money - for real though
2. Meet all my deadlines for T.State related things, and get everything organized so that way I will not be thrust into chotic confusion like I was at the start of this semster.
3. Improve on my seamlessly grace deficiency - I do believe I have publicly found my self on the floor more times this past month than I care to count - I really do need to work on not being so clumsy - to include hurting my self at work, and drooping things.
4. Make more time for art.
5. Reduce my time/money spent in municipal court
October 29, 2009
October 28, 2009
Dear, dear please find your composure, your a mess
And you are spilling time all over the floor.
Find a mirror, fix your hair, and your make up,
Then put the mask you hate to wear back on.
Superficially sickened, your screaming for attention
But envy when your empty tends to always come out poor.
Full of vain, full of malice, ever lost, ever hopeless
Get on the stage, curtains set to depart soon.
You've got moments to find confidence; this is serious,
The theater audience is taking their places;
As the boy in the vest and top hat is speaking your name
into a microphone. Hurry quick, its your introduction,
the watch is ticking fast; imminent inertia, no time to stall.
Change out of the black, put your red dress back on
Decadence is simple when you've loss feelings of feeling
remotely unique at all. But time to go, talk is cheap,
And your pockets have nothing. Opposing conviction,
High heals full of poise as you slip them on,
The lights go dim, and smoke fills the floor,
You see the piano man begin playing your tune.
Nostalgic..fake a smile..hold your breath..count to three
And dance your way across the floor, your own little tragedy.
October 21, 2009
I'm considering that people are who they are for a lot of reasons, and at best, it is interesting to try to understand them. In some moments you find your self humbled by their inner most thoughts, and secrets, and that is an aspect of them, but it is not "them", not all of them. Other times, you see their surface appearance, the person they justify them self as. When they meet someone new, or are trying to maintain some composure of who they wish to appear to be. Which is much the same as the person they sometimes pretend to be. I'm considering more and more though that who people are is un-understandable and that no amount of words would serve to describe a person, because they would all be brutally inaccurate, at least to some degree. No one shares the same experiences and that is what makes our fears, our joys. And I'm considering that against all opposition the real reason we try to figure out people, is because we are really just all trying to figure our self out.
Like a volcano, just waiting to erupt; i'm full of this anger
And i can't say it's fair to all those, who try helping me up when i fall down
Which happens to be more and more these days
Then i drift away, away to where the world spins slowly
But every single time i find, i'm running in place
because there's no escape from pain and all the earthquakes
So i try living for the moments, and embracing the simple transitions, of everyday
Until my moment is frozen and i'm caught up in the poring rain
Someone get me out of this rain
Won't you get me out of this storm filled cloud, it keeps bringing me down
Oh, I'm falling down
I suppose there's got to be a balance.
So now, i think i'll try, to learn to walk on water
Because my wings are worn and im starting to forget how to swim
i'll let you know when i find the balance, when i figure it out
October 14, 2009
I suppose this will be the very first entry of this new blog.
Basically I have been writing a lot lately, I have a lot of random thoughts that I file in note books or random fragments of paper, napkins, or receipts. So I thought I would give this a try - and I have been wanting to put my photography on a web site for a while.